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Experiencing refusal, especially when it recurs often, is far from pleasant. Someone is turning you down, giving a clear “Nope.” Being an author, I am well acquainted with rejection. I started proposing story ideas five decades ago, right after completing my studies. Over the years, I have had several works rejected, along with book ideas and numerous short stories. Over the past 20 years, specializing in personal essays, the refusals have only increased. On average, I receive a setback multiple times weekly—totaling more than 100 each year. In total, denials throughout my life exceed a thousand. At this point, I could have a master’s in handling no’s.

But, is this a woe-is-me rant? Absolutely not. Because, finally, at the age of 73, I have embraced being turned down.

In What Way Have I Accomplished This?

A bit of background: Now, almost everyone and others has rejected me. I haven’t kept score my acceptance statistics—that would be quite demoralizing.

For example: recently, a publication rejected 20 submissions consecutively before saying yes to one. Back in 2016, no fewer than 50 editors declined my memoir proposal before one accepted it. A few years later, 25 literary agents passed on a nonfiction book proposal. One editor suggested that I submit my work less frequently.

My Steps of Rejection

When I was younger, each denial stung. It felt like a personal affront. I believed my work being rejected, but me as a person.

As soon as a submission was turned down, I would start the “seven stages of rejection”:

• Initially, disbelief. How could this happen? How could these people be blind to my talent?
• Next, refusal to accept. Maybe they rejected the mistake? Perhaps it’s an oversight.
• Then, rejection of the rejection. What do they know? Who made you to hand down rulings on my efforts? You’re stupid and their outlet is poor. I deny your no.
• After that, frustration at those who rejected me, followed by self-blame. Why do I put myself through this? Could I be a glutton for punishment?
• Fifth, negotiating (often seasoned with delusion). What does it require you to see me as a unique writer?
• Then, depression. I’m not talented. Additionally, I’ll never be any good.

So it went through my 30s, 40s and 50s.

Great Company

Certainly, I was in good fellowship. Tales of authors whose work was at first rejected are plentiful. The author of Moby-Dick. The creator of Frankenstein. The writer of Dubliners. Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita. Joseph Heller’s Catch-22. Nearly each writer of repute was originally turned down. Since they did persevere, then possibly I could, too. The sports icon was cut from his youth squad. The majority of Presidents over the past six decades had been defeated in campaigns. Sylvester Stallone claims that his Rocky screenplay and desire to appear were rejected numerous times. “I take rejection as a wake-up call to rouse me and persevere, rather than retreat,” he stated.

The Final Phase

Later, when I entered my later years, I achieved the final phase of setback. Acceptance. Currently, I grasp the various causes why a publisher says no. Firstly, an editor may have already featured a similar piece, or have something underway, or simply be contemplating a similar topic for someone else.

Alternatively, less promisingly, my idea is of limited interest. Or the reader thinks I am not qualified or reputation to be suitable. Perhaps is no longer in the business for the content I am offering. Maybe was busy and scanned my piece too quickly to see its quality.

Go ahead call it an realization. Any work can be rejected, and for any reason, and there is almost nothing you can do about it. Many rationales for denial are always beyond your control.

Manageable Factors

Others are within it. Let’s face it, my proposals may from time to time be flawed. They may be irrelevant and impact, or the point I am struggling to articulate is not compelling enough. Alternatively I’m being too similar. Maybe an aspect about my grammar, notably semicolons, was unacceptable.

The essence is that, regardless of all my long career and setbacks, I have achieved recognized. I’ve published several titles—the initial one when I was 51, another, a memoir, at older—and in excess of 1,000 articles. My writings have featured in publications big and little, in local, national and global platforms. An early piece was published when I was 26—and I have now written to various outlets for 50 years.

Still, no major hits, no author events publicly, no spots on popular shows, no speeches, no prizes, no big awards, no international recognition, and no national honor. But I can more easily take no at 73, because my, small successes have softened the blows of my frequent denials. I can now be reflective about it all at this point.

Instructive Setbacks

Denial can be helpful, but only if you listen to what it’s attempting to show. If not, you will almost certainly just keep taking rejection the wrong way. So what teachings have I learned?

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